Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Randomize
