guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I'm too high and old for this...
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
