I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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