she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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