it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
We got so high we made milksteak
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
