don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
