I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
