I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
