I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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