wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
