no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
