God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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