I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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