To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
