I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
