Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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