I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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