apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
