it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
