My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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