I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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