i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
