Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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