This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
