I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
ok first of all what the fuck
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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