found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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