I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I need a burrito and a hug.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
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