My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Randomize
