no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
