Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
