what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
