Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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