oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
