It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
