remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
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