I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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