when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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