who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
