Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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