Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
