life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
