apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
