I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
