real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
3 2 1 whiskey
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
