Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
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