that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
