3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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