dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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