I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize