hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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