i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
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