I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize