Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Randomize
