Welp...herpes.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
