We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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